Womaning is just plain hard...

So I finally decided to start this blog. This is my first post and I am nervous. You see I want this to be a place that I can be brutally honest and also cuss if I want to. Today I woke up at 4:00 am and it has been a teary, hot ass mess shit show ever since. Let me maybe start from the beginning.

In May I packed up all my meager belongings and I moved from Washington, DC to the Jackson, MS area. I could let you know exactly what tiny ass Mississippi town I live in. but none of that matters at the moment. I came here basically because well, God said go. There has been so much Kumbaya shit that has happened it would make your head spin for me to tell you all of it. Then this morning after having a wonderful time with a man that I will just refer to as Bae, life ran over my ass like a fucking mack truck. You know I woke up with all of this anxiety about my life. I realized I had done something that I do way too many times, much too often for my liking.....Ughhh I will get back to that in a moment.

See Bae basically fell from the sky at a time in my life when I was practically jaded and sworn off men. Then he appeared and we have been smitten and all cute and shit. But actually I have done what I always do. I have thrown this shit on my back and made it happen. As I was leaving Bae, I realized that I am madly in love with this man and I want him in my life but how much is this shit gonna cost me. I mean do I have Aldo shoe money or Jimmy Choo shoe money to put on this relationship. Then I realized somewhere in my very cluttered world there is this ugly ass voice that says, "Kymira don't fuck it up!!!" This voice that is deep in the recesses of my mind and body just doesn't believe I deserve anything happy, good or stable. Then the teary melt down comes followed by the point of clarity.

Bae is honestly the man of my dreams there is so much about him that I love and appreciate. But, Kymira...Girl you can't do all the work. You have shown him who you are and who you can be with him now sit yo ass down and get to work on your life. Girl you have made a big old down payment on it now relax and work on figuring out how you are gonna pay for this fabulous life you want. Get back to your dream. Bae talks about how busy he is and I am actually busy AF myself. I mean it takes a shit load of energy to maintain this much crazy. But, I realize as a woman it is in my nature to make shit happen. I mean I am a woman who runs shit. Give me some shit and I will run it. It is in my DNA. Bae has a lot of shit I can run for him but, he hasn't done the necessary work to make room for me and my wonderful self in his life. But of course I have moved into shapeshifter mode and I am hell bent on showing him how amazing I am. But, then it dawned on me. He knows that shit. I am amazing and I don't have to convince anyone of that. Especially not Bae.

Sisters of the shape shifter nature-- Boo you are enough. This morning I am preaching to the choir. I am enough and I discount myself by trying to prove to others who I am. So this blog is my first step in getting my shit together and building my own brand. I am not giving up on Bae I am just adjusting my crown and my priorities. What will be will be and what is for me will not pass me. I am saying that to myself today and maybe you need to say it to yourself. Today is just gonna be a weepy day. I am giving myself permission to grieve my mistakes, my unrealistic expectations and my perceived loss. I am giving myself permission to cuss, cry and shake my fist in anger. I am giving myself space to be fully vulnerable and inviting you to do the same. I let fear and that tape....you know the one that plays in your head sometimes that tells you "You are a complete fuck up" "You don't deserve happiness", "You are too fat", "You are not smart enough", "You are not enough"...yeah that tape! I let it play and get the best of me. But, in the midst of this dreary teary melt down I feel my passion shining through. I know I am enough! I just need to begin to walk in that knowing. So whatever it is you need to do today to begin your journey and take your first steps...get going Sis. This womaning thing at times is some bullshit but most times it's the shit!!!