Manicured Toe Nails

It has been way, way too long since I wrote on this blog. But, what can I say I am just like all of you. Life takes me through twists and turns and sometimes I feel dizzy from going around and around. Can I just talk to you guys for a minute? I am sitting in my mostly empty apartment in the Sip. Preparing to move to a new city. Let me take this back to my original plan. I planned to go to the Essence Festival for the purpose of promoting my blog. I mean why not. But, as detailed as my plan was it turned into a complete shit show. So I had the opportunity to connect with some amazing business women and let them know what I am doing but, it still felt like my plan had failed. If I can be honest I have a knot the size of Texas in my neck. I have been suffering from severe anxiety from this transition. I mean I can't wait to get to a city with a Trader Joe's, Costco and Chipotle. Let me pause and give a shout out to Jackson, MS. The Sip has been good to a sister but, it is time to go. Back to the Essence, I kept seeing these rainbows. I am fully aware of the biblical meaning of the rainbow but, for me I felt like God let me see these two rainbows to remind me that HE is with me in the place I am leaving and also HE will be with me in the place I headed. Promises....shit these things are past due. I know I am due a win soon. The valley is a place to gain strength for the trip up the mountaintop. The mountaintop is an awesome place but you will die on that bitch if you try to live there. But, I feel like I have been living in the valley a really long ass time.

Leaving one place and going to another place is the norm for me over the past few years. I have learned to purge and not hold on to trivial shit like a couch or patio furniture. I mean none of this stuff defines us. See one of the things about being me, I don't look like what the fuck I been through. I am always amazed when I have haters. I'm like "Oh Word??!!" cuz I have been on this path. I have been struggling and that shit has been hard.I know I make this shit look easy but....Bih it aint!!! I went to my therapist yesterday... she pisses me off every damn time but I still go. She told me I was entirely too hard on myself. Ma'am I am not sure its me being hard on me. Shit life is beating me down. Then it happened. I broke down and I cried. The ugly cry....the damn snotty nose cry. It was a mess....Hell! I was a mess but I needed a good ass meltdown. I mean I haven't had a good one in a minute. I kept saying " I just want one fucking thing in my life to be easy. Just one thing." I sweat when I get dressed, working out is hard, relationships are hard, and I could go on and on but I won't cuz. I am pretty sure my stomach won't be flat again unless I pay the people. You know what I am okay with that shit because I have a lot more to offer the world. So I am eating this rum cake with my fingers and drinking this wine because life is too short to waste good cake and wine. But, mainly because all my forks are in storage.

So here is what I want to say to my sisters of the internet. Shit life is hard. Sometimes cruel even. I have reached my breaking point but, I have reached beyond the break and I am holding on by my manicured toenails. Who else can go through hell and still look fabulous. We can! Women are professionals at this shit. We been doing this since slavery. Fuck you thought! I mean my skin is glowing. I am even able to do most of what I want to do but, I am struggling. This shit is giving me superpowers and I will never ever apologize for the person I am becoming. I won't dim my fucking light so that some people can feel comfortable. You take a seat in this shadow. It doesn't matter if nobody around you is feeling you moving to a new place. If you know your God has made a way for you and he has shown you the next thing. Boo pack up yo shit and get to stepping. I am changing, growing and transitioning to the next level. Yeah I am about to level up and this shit is painful. There is an enemy ladies who does not want you to be your fly ass self. But, he is a sucka and I am sick of his tired ass. He has used all three of his tricks. Ladies he wants to steal yo shit. Your job that you have worked to see manifested. He wants to kill your dream of being....a blogger, a writer, an artist. He wants to destroy you! He wants to snatch your soul and leave you looking common. You my dear were created to shine and be uncommon. So I have decided to kick his ass! I mean the more I write, the more I affirm, the more I speak, and the more I press forward keeping 10 perfectly manicured toes firmly pressed into the ground. My back straight my head held high because I am a mother fucking unicorn and can't nobody tell me nothing different.

So I get it. Nothing is easy because I have chosen to live an uncommon life. I am so damn free from anything holding me back. I left that shit in that ugly red chair in my therapist office as I cried and allowed every bit of sorrow to be released from my body and being. One awesome thing about being a woman is you can cry any damn time you want to because we have periods and birth babies. I mean that gives you a license to fly and cry dammit. So my mom asked me if I had a plan B. I have a couple of job interview lined up in my new city. I said absolutely my plan B is to buy a one way ticket to LA and stay a month going from friend's house to friend's house and come back renewed, refreshed and revived ready to try this shit again. I will not fail because I was born to fly. So my beautiful daughter. My love, my life, my heart my everything got engaged. I was dog sitting my granddog Nala. Listen, me and Nala had such a good time riding around Charlotte. She is such a diva. I mean I am not really a dog person but, me and Nala got along great. So now I am preparing to watch my one and only marry the love of her life.I am super excited for her. Ladies! I can't even believe I made her and she came from my womb. She is so awesome! So change is in the air. I am transitioning but also hanging on to some promises some new and some old. Ladies treat yourself to something you love. Hell get your toes done and take a pic of them and post them on your vision board or on your fridge as a reminder that you are strong. In the words of the my man Nip may he rest in peace. "The game is gonna test you, never fold. Stay ten toes down. It's not on you, it's in you and they can't take it away from you and HE is in us all." Peace and Hair Grease Queens.