Health Scare, Waistbeads and Wins

Well, it has been a minute since I wrote on this blog. Actually, I have thought about writing but the words would not come out like I needed them too. So let me just put it all out here. I had a huge health scare. Let me go back to the 7th grade. I was at Southeast Jr. High School and I was flat-chested. Matter of fact I didn't even have little knots. My chest was ironing board flat. Then over the summer, my ass grew a pair of grown-ass woman boobs. Seriously, I went from a flat chest to at least a B Cup. Of course, it was noticeable because I was probably ninety pounds soaking wet. Sidebar I wished for my thighs to touch and to get a butt and hips. Knowing what I know now I should have never wished that my thighs touched. I was tall, skinny and I had some big ass titties. By senior year I weighed 135 lbs and I was a 34 C. I stayed this way until 2004 when I lost the man I was engaged to be married to and decided I would move to Washington, DC for work. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 135 pounds and a 34 C. That year I gained 50 pounds and a whole cup size I was a full ass 38 D and 180lbs. touching and all But my stomach was flat back then.

Back to my health scare, I was noticing that my right breast was pretty sore. I wasn't concerned because even though I had a hysterectomy I still have ovaries. When I used to have a cycle my boobs would get sore. However, the right one was bothersome. One night I was lying in bed and I started to feel around my breast like they tell you to do a self-exam. My breast are pretty dense and I am also a bit of a hypochondriac so when I felt the lump I checked again. Sure enough, there was a lump in my right breast which I now refer to as the marble in my titty. People who know me well know I am super extra and I have a flair for the dramatic. So my black ass broke all the way down. "Who is gonna drive me to chemo??!! I don't want all my hair to fall out. Why Lord??? Why??" Then I swing back to normal. I ain't gone lie. Waking up with a damn lump in your breast and waiting for these people to do all these tests was scary AF. When they gave me a mammogram and the lady had to get a close up of the area it hurt so bad I was about to cry. Then I had the ultrasound. They said they needed to do a biopsy. I don't know why in 2020 this process takes so damn long. Just tell me already do I have the cancer or nah?

Well, I don't have cancer. Praise sweet baby Jesus! But, I still have some inflammation and yes the marble is still in my titty. I have been having all these tests done and my doctor who previously said I wasn't in perimenopause is now saying I am probably in perimenopause. But, honestly, I don't have time for none of this shit. I am in the middle of planning a whole ass virtual event. My job is already busy but now it is busy busy. But, you know what? There is something about being alive and not having cancer that changes your outlook on life. So my stomach not being flat and my weight in the 180s doesn't seem as important. The fact that I don't have cancer and I am able to get up and go to work is something to celebrate. Next month on the 7th of November will be my one year anniversary at my job. I will celebrate that by moving to a larger space. What a damn difference one year has made. Last year this time I was driving a damn UHaul from Kansas City, MO to Jackson, MS to get my shit. All of my little hopes and plans had gone to shit and I was at the highest and hardest point of my struggle. I was at a point where I felt kinda insecure and I had failed at most everything I set out to do. But, I still moved to a new city. I still heard the voice of my God and walked out into nothing.

This last year has taught me a lot about myself and even more about people. I have made this little ass studio apartment my own. In exactly four days I will see all of the hard work I have done come to fruition. This time I am not stressed or nervous I am excited. I am in my sweet spot. I am in the very place I wanted to be dare I say four years ago. I have a job that is hard as fuck but I was made to do it. I have a life that I love. This year I have been able to do things I wanted to do. I saw my beautiful girl get married to the love of her life. I have been happier than I have ever been in my whole black life. I am rebuilding a lot of things in life. If I think about it hard I am a different person than I was when I started this journey. This last week I had something occur that was way too familiar to me. I won't go into the whole situation but, someone who I thought was an ally and had my back let me down. Sisters, why do women do this to one another? Is there not enough out there for all of us to win? There was a time when something like this would make me cry and would devastating to me. However, this time it was disappointing yes but, not devastating. Sometimes people do things for you only if it means you will be beneath them. But, when it looks like you might come up they set you up to fail.

I can only look back over the last four years of my life and then look at this situation and say I wish the fuck I would let this shit stop me. I am a Woman Who Runs Shit!!! I am running my own race and I don't have time to get my little feelings hurt. I am too busy succeeding in my life, achieving my own goals that I set for myself. When I come home to my house and lay down in the bed I pay for I feel peace. That is what I wish for each of you. So take some time out to self reflect. COVID has been a bitch and we all are learning a new normal. Be kind to yourself, drink water, burn yo sage, wear yo waistbeads, and keep on running all the shit.