Bag Lady

Sometimes life throws you some curveballs. There are days you wish you never witnessed. But through all the twist and turns of life we learn to be better. Yes Better! In my soon to be 49 years of life I have learned you don't really grow from the good times. It's the really shitty times in life that serve as the fertilizer for growth. We become stronger and we become so much wiser than we could ever imagine. Valentine's Day always brings back a very sad and tragic memory for me. In the first few years after losing someone really special I used to cry; and, it took days for me to recover. Now some fifteen years later, I don't cry and wallow in sorrow.

I just remember the good times and I make sure that I have some alone time and a toast to your short life that brought me so much happiness. I never dreamed of living life without you but somehow I made it fifteen years. I hope that one day on the other side I will see your smiling face again. The trauma of losing you so suddenly and so tragically has stuck with me. But the strength that came after has made me a better woman.....RIP A

I am not sure about the spiritual beliefs of those of you who follow me. But Jeremiah 29:11 helped me to make it through that rough time. Understanding God's plan for my life is for prosperity and not harm.

So I happened to be on Twitter and scrolled upon a discussion about Black Women and the church specifically the multi-ethnic church. It was so much in line with so many of the articles I have written previously. I am finding in a number of realms women are treated poorly and black women are treated even worse. One of the things I read going through several threads of text is people see this happening. They are studying it and writing books about their findings. It's hard sometimes to figure out a good balance with so much of this stuff. It's so traumatic at times we just don't know what to do. When I used to work for a nonprofit organization in North Carolina we would sponsor golf tournaments. Well for starters I did not golf or even know how to golf. (I did finally learn and I am currently taking lessons) I needed a way to connect with the male golfers so I asked one of the men to teach me about cigars. When I started smoking cigars it wasn't as popular as it is today. I go to cigar bars and lounges now and there are many women enjoying a cigar. I know some of the women are there just because men frequent these places. Actually a certain type of man tends to frequent these places. Let me be clear to ladies who are going there looking to meet a guy. "Boo, it's easy to know if you're a novice or not. " So Ladies just be yourself in this space. How do you know Kymira? Because when I talk to men about cigars they ask me a battery of questions all of which I can answer most of the time. After I answer their questions they typically say, "Ah you are a real cigar smoker" DUH....and you are who? The cigar police?

Bae is an avid golfer but he is not a cigar smoker. He talks to me about smoking and we have kind of an agree to disagree on this matter. However, I recently visited a cigar bar and I fell back into a rhythm I realize I had really missed. Sometimes I enjoy smoking alone and other times with a group of people. This particular Sunday I was smoking alone drinking beer and listening to Audible. In that time I felt relaxed and my mind felt free and clear. There were other people around some smoking who were playing cards, watching TV or just working on their computer. We were all in a place enjoying a nice Sunday evening. We were there together but, we were all acting as indiviuals. The thing that struck me as I was sitting there is that sometimes in life you just have to learn how to be with yourself. There were times several years back where I would not have ventured out alone like that. But, I have matured and I have grown.

I know I talk a lot about self care but, at the root of self care is self love. We as women have to learn to love ourselves. In order to truly love yourself you have to do a number of things first. You have to know yourself. Identify your strengths and your weaknesses. If you have experienced deep pain or trauma get you a counselor and work through it. If you suffer with anxiety and/or depression see a therapist and be present in your treatment. Sis it is up to you to unpack your bag and deal with the contents of it. This doesn't happen quickly but you can make huge progress by taking steps forward. Loving yourself also means to give yourself grace to fail, be angry, laugh or even cry. It is very easy to feel overwhelmed or stuck. This my friend is the tool the enemy uses to stop you in your tracks. How many stories have we heard about people who failed many times before they got it right. Failure is a great teacher. We hate it but, it squeezes out some of best ideas and work. There is no place to go from rock bottom but UP!

Ms. Badu sings about the bag lady who is gonna miss her bus. She goes on to talk about how men will see her coming with all those bags and take off running. Sometimes we can't figure out why we are so exhausted and spent. Check and see how many bags you carrying. Are you carrying the bags of your childhood? Are they tote bags or full out suitcases full to the brim with that extra zipper unzipped? Are they the failed relationship bag? Listen Sisters no matter if your bag is a Samsonite or a Louis Vuitton its still a bag. Wait???!!! Let me say this again it doesn't matter how nice your bag is its still baggage. You are exhausted because the bags have become so heavy they are weighing on you holding you back from all the good things in your future. In my time mentoring young women I used to say to them, "That is not your bag! Politely ask that person to take their bag with them" Sheesh Sis you can't afford to be carrying other people's bags. When a door opens for us we can't even get to the door let along go through it because we are so bogged down. After almost 49 rotations around the sun I have bags. The great thing is these bags are small and I spend some time and energy unpacking them often. Some bags have been with me a long time. But, I now can recognize my bag as it goes around the carousel of my life. The empowering part of this is I will only pick up my own bag. So take inventory of your baggage ladies and start to do the necessary work. Say these words to yourself "I will not drag my past bags into my future endeavors." This is important because sometimes we miss our bus as Ms. Badu put it. But really sometimes we miss a great opportunity to prosper, be loved or move forward because we are dragging all that baggage with us....Take the necessary steps, do the work, and have a drink or smoke a cigar and celebrate your success!